Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
|
|
5:37 am - i hate this life
|
sweating so badly
creeping so quitly
deathly grasp
it has come......
i have to quit cigerettes for my health.
hold in each hand
which one is held dearly
closer
i hate life
smoke til my lungs colapse
current mood:  high
current music: teegan and sara
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Monday, February 7th, 2005
|
|
10:58 pm - holy fing shit
|
alriht..alright..i havent written in this in so long..and right now i dont have much to say.. i talked to my x...and i feel great...today ..i wanted to spend my day doing something...cuase it was someone i love..it is her bday..and i did..i spent it with my x..and i feel it was time worth spending..and i want to do it again ..............sometime.
current mood: content
current music: scary movie.......weard
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
|
|
9:42 am - let me see please????????????????
|
I wish I had the strength to do what I believed.. I wish I had the strength to not make myself bleed. Do not have the power to do what I desire. I do not have the power to show how I feel. I count hours that could have been used.. but were so wasted.. Time is not the problem.. I am.. Why can’t I change? Why can’t I be the person I want to be? Why can’t I love who I want to love with out being judged I seem to cry yet it is to late.. I cry so much.. it really fucking sucks.. I don’t mind crying its just that I can’t seem to stop when I do.. I cry in class I cry every where.. I hate crying in school because then I start puking from nervousness and it hurts.. But I think the pain with in side me hurts worse then anything I have ever felt before.. I don’t know what to feel.. I don’t know how to feel at times.. I guess.. I confuse myself and I get all messed up… feel like a bag.. it looks full but there’s really nothing inside of it.. There was never something.. I was never something.. I thought I was.. but I realized how wrong I was.. Things I did.. Things I do.. I just don’t know anymore.. Nope.. I just don’t. What is the point of letting my feelings out? No one can answer that except for me.. I mean every time I do let my feelings out they are thrown away.. They don’t count.. I don’t count.. I’m just going to drown.. Like I should have so long ago.. I’m not pitying myself.. I’m just trying to figure out why I feel this way.. What makes me feel this way.. I just don’t understand at all.
current mood:  blank
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Monday, October 18th, 2004
|
|
9:48 am - Another jump off the cliff
|
Im defenitly tired and out of energy. Im so sick of people always telling me how i feel.. or that i dont care.. or telling me.. when i say something .. it means something else.. im just tired.. im hurt by what people have been doing to me.. they way they have been treating me.. but i really dont have much to say.. life sucks.. evrything gets better.. just i have to wait i guess... I wish i could just change everything and everyone would be happy.. i would have no worries.. and the poeople who are sad wouldnt be so sad.. i dont know if this is making sense.. but i think imade a big mistake.. and now i have to pay.
current mood:  tired
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
|
|
9:42 am - damn school
|
|
|
Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
|
|
1:58 pm - puke for me please?
|
im so tired.. out of breath
cant even hold my own head up
step so deep
in a pile of blood
i imagine my life
fool of happiness and love
but how can this be?
cause im so tired
i cant even hold my own head up
sleep sleep sleep
thats all i do
the next day i wake up
i dont feel brand new
blanket so warm
full of my smell
lay in bed
close my eyes
dead or alive?
no one can tell
step by step
leg by leg
moving so fast
falling all over the place
dead or alive?
sleep till the end
i dont even know
blanket
pulled over my head
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
|
|
6:23 pm
|
|
|
Saturday, September 18th, 2004
|
|
11:23 am - to my x
|
|
|
Saturday, September 11th, 2004
|
|
9:07 am - blink blink
|
magically ... in my eyes.. everything has changed.
i cant hold on to what was there
and i cant hold on to what is here
life is a circle that goes in a square
im an imagination...
im not really there
a kiss for a girl
a hug for myself
stinning with pain
i hit myself again
its a pattern
its only a game
everything just turns out the same.
ill never meet someone
who loves me for me
im only an imagintation
girls are my dream
caught in myself
can not breath
as i scream
and i yell
i cant even hear anything
left alone
to suffocate in my pain
the blanket is a maze
breath is something i need to gane
away must i go
afraid of finding out what i really know
but this is the end..
until is happens all over again
current mood: tired
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, September 5th, 2004
|
|
4:36 pm - hold on ....
|
the world just stopped.
i lost everthing...
everything is shit
everyone is
fuck you yeah thats right
|
|
(7 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
4:35 pm
|
|
|
Friday, August 13th, 2004
|
|
10:18 am
|
|
|
Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
|
|
5:42 pm - I LOVE HER!!!
|
man.. i had a really good day.. a swell day in fact.. bloody hell it was a fucking awesome day.. it was funny though.. i didnt go anywhere really.. but i had so much god damn fun with my gf.. shes so wonderful.. and shes the cutest little chica ive ever fucking seen.
I LOVE SAVANNAH GOUVEA.. YEAH THATS WHAT I SAID.
AND UM.. MELISSA? MY BUTT.
GO BACK TO sant HO sa
current mood: tired
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Friday, August 6th, 2004
|
|
1:45 pm - because of me
|
because of me........
blood may drip
i just want to take another hit
becuase of me.....
she feels this pain
i want to take a knife and slit my wrist again
because of me....
she fell in love
i made her realize she was special and was above
because of me....
she had a smile
and also because of me
it faded
and she cries
cuase im in denial
becuase of me....
i hate myself
its all because of me..
not anyone else.
current mood: suicidal..(how lame)
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, August 1st, 2004
|
|
6:20 am - talk talk talk
|
ok.. so lately my mom has been really weard..
so she comes home and just goes to sleep.. she works all day.. homes around 5pm lays in her bed...eventually falls asleep... never comes out.. so i dont see her till 5pm the next day.. for a brief moment.. shes always tired.. not like she worked all day tired...like sick tired...but she wont go to the doctors... she goes out sometimes.. now when she does realize i exist.. shes been weard towards me too.. this weekend.. we are spending the whole time together.. sort of.. with other parts of my fam.. bro and dad and stuff...weard i think.. well anways...shes always on my case.. she lectured..me about 1 hr on the way down here.. or up here..whatever.. and was telling me not to ask her for money.. to play.. only for things i need.. but i didnt even ask her for any money at all.. in fact i have my own and ive been buying my own cloths and such with.. when she says shell buy them for me.. and then we were eating.. and i just was eating the olives.. nothing else. they were good.. what can i say? and she goes.."stop eating melody.. no one else is" and everyone was..and she was talking with her mouth full.. but on the other hand.. ive been really sick lately.. and ive had some pains and such.. my mom thinks she knows what they are..totally embarrassing i tell you.. so i need to goto the doc tomorrow.. before something bad happens.. cause this stuff hurts..so shes been there for me.. but at the same time.. she hasnt.. and when she is.. it can be hard for me to give in to her kindness.. cause i dont know what shes really thinking.
I keep getting sick.. everything.. i have so many illnesses right now.. to embarrasing to post..hahaha.. and i dont know what to do. i hate going to the doctors..probably like a lot of other people.. but grr.. damn humanity.
i miss my gf.. i think shes mad...im jealous of some people..damnit.. i hate getting jealous.
current mood:  sick
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
6:14 am - blah
|
i cant sleep.. well now its 615.. but ive been awake all fuckig night.. im tired as hell....and have a three hour drive home.. and i cant fucking sleep.. im going crazy...... i dont like my dads house.. its weard.. and im sleeping in the living room with 5 fucking people.. well im not sleeping.. but there all there.. theres like 9 people in this house and its a two bedroom.. wtf? didnt anyone think of the sleeping arrangments.. before inviting us down for the weekend?
current mood: dirty
current music: theres this weard boy snoring
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, July 31st, 2004
|
|
9:53 pm - i miss you
|
|
i miss my gf.. i think shes mad.. i feel bad.. i love her so much.. i wish she was happy with me.. stockton is weard.. im with my dad.. for a first.. weard.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
|
|
7:24 am - all for her
|
last night.. i got into a pretty bad fight with my gf.. it was one of the worst. i think i have never been hurt so badly...
but still.. the only thing that i can think of..is being with her.. without her.. i just dont feel like me.
i hope she feels the same way.
fuck.. i pray that she does.
current mood: hopeful
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
|
|
5:25 pm - its me isnt it ?
|
Today i was thinking that i tend to confuse things.. and mess up situations.. then i was like.. naw..im cool.
later this day"
My Mom: "melody you always mess up everything.. why dont you just go away"
Me: "damnit"
I mean damn.. i was thinking that i did.. and now i know that i do.. this really sucks. I guess theres not much i can really do about it.
Right now i just feel really numb.. and out of place.. everywhere i go.. like i dont belong or something.. and i may not.
But before i felt like i did.. now..everythings just everything.. and people are just people.. and i .. i am just.. what i am.. and all i want to do right now.. is sleep.
current mood:  worried
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, July 24th, 2004
|
|
11:35 pm - let me bash your head in
|
damnit.. i need to do something about my temper.. it keeps on getting worse.. and worse..i break everything in sight... anger lashes.. damn thing..
I hate when you do something you regret..and you know you cant take it back.. but at the same time you dont want it back.. it was needed there all along.
confusion always gets the best of us. im sick of people telling me.. whats good for me .. and whats not..
whats right.. and whats wrong.. hey fat fuck
who ever you be
let me make my own decisions.
or die trying.
this time.. im the loser in the game.
and i wasnt even playing...it was for real.
current mood: thirsty
current music: the mouse spinning
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
kismybloodylips's journal