dont float on my rainbow

i hate this life

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 13:41:00 GMT

sweating so badly
creeping so quitly
deathly grasp
it has come......

i have to quit cigerettes for my health.

hold in each hand
which one is held dearly
closer

i hate life

smoke til my lungs colapse

holy fing shit

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 07:00:15 GMT

alriht..alright..i havent written in this in so long..and right now i dont have much to say.. i talked to my x...and i feel great...today ..i wanted to spend my day doing something...cuase it was someone i love..it is her bday..and i did..i spent it with my x..and i feel it was time worth spending..and i want to do it again ..............sometime.

let me see please????????????????

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 16:50:55 GMT

I wish I had the strength to do what I believed.. I wish I had the strength to not make myself bleed. Do not have the power to do what I desire. I do not have the power to show how I feel. I count hours that could have been used.. but were so wasted.. Time is not the problem.. I am.. Why can’t I change? Why can’t I be the person I want to be? Why can’t I love who I want to love with out being judged I seem to cry yet it is to late.. I cry so much.. it really fucking sucks.. I don’t mind crying its just that I can’t seem to stop when I do.. I cry in class I cry every where.. I hate crying in school because then I start puking from nervousness and it hurts.. But I think the pain with in side me hurts worse then anything I have ever felt before.. I don’t know what to feel.. I don’t know how to feel at times.. I guess.. I confuse myself and I get all messed up… feel like a bag.. it looks full but there’s really nothing inside of it.. There was never something.. I was never something.. I thought I was.. but I realized how wrong I was.. Things I did.. Things I do.. I just don’t know anymore.. Nope.. I just don’t. What is the point of letting my feelings out? No one can answer that except for me.. I mean every time I do let my feelings out they are thrown away.. They don’t count.. I don’t count.. I’m just going to drown.. Like I should have so long ago.. I’m not pitying myself.. I’m just trying to figure out why I feel this way.. What makes me feel this way.. I just don’t understand at all.

Another jump off the cliff

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 16:51:22 GMT

Im defenitly tired and out of energy. Im so sick of people always telling me how i feel.. or that i dont care.. or telling me.. when i say something .. it means something else.. im just tired.. im hurt by what people have been doing to me.. they way they have been treating me.. but i really dont have much to say.. life sucks.. evrything gets better.. just i have to wait i guess... I wish i could just change everything and everyone would be happy.. i would have no worries.. and the poeople who are sad wouldnt be so sad.. i dont know if this is making sense.. but i think imade a big mistake.. and now i have to pay.

damn school

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 16:47:34 GMT

im so tired.. i was puking in the bathroom.. groos.. some one help me?

puke for me please?

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 22:03:09 GMT

im so tired.. out of breath
cant even hold my own head up
step so deep
in a pile of blood
i imagine my life
fool of happiness and love
but how can this be?
cause im so tired
i cant even hold my own head up
sleep sleep sleep
thats all i do
the next day i wake up
i dont feel brand new
blanket so warm
full of my smell
lay in bed
close my eyes
dead or alive?
no one can tell
step by step
leg by leg
moving so fast
falling all over the place
dead or alive?
sleep till the end
i dont even know
blanket
pulled over my head

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 02:24:35 GMT

You're Bettie Page!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Weard.. i got the same.. as my x gal.. props babe

to my x

Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:24:03 GMT

blink blink

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 17:28:24 GMT

magically ... in my eyes.. everything has changed.
i cant hold on to what was there
and i cant hold on to what is here
life is a circle that goes in a square
im an imagination...
im not really there
a kiss for a girl
a hug for myself
stinning with pain
i hit myself again
its a pattern
its only a game
everything just turns out the same.
ill never meet someone
who loves me for me
im only an imagintation
girls are my dream
caught in myself
can not breath
as i scream
and i yell
i cant even hear anything
left alone
to suffocate in my pain
the blanket is a maze
breath is something i need to gane
away must i go
afraid of finding out what i really know
but this is the end..
until is happens all over again

hold on ....

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 00:38:05 GMT

the world just stopped.
i lost everthing...
everything is shit
everyone is
fuck you yeah thats right

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 00:36:32 GMT

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	delicious
Your hugs are...	friendly
Your eyes...	light up a day
Your touch is...	awakening my heart
Your smell is...	refreshing
Your smile is...	encouraging
Your love is...	unique

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 18:19:49 GMT

I LOVE HER!!!

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 01:44:59 GMT

man.. i had a really good day.. a swell day in fact.. bloody hell it was a fucking awesome day.. it was funny though.. i didnt go anywhere really.. but i had so much god damn fun with my gf.. shes so wonderful.. and shes the cutest little chica ive ever fucking seen.
I LOVE SAVANNAH GOUVEA.. YEAH THATS WHAT I SAID.

AND UM.. MELISSA? MY BUTT.
GO BACK TO sant HO sa

because of me

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 21:45:23 GMT

because of me........
blood may drip
i just want to take another hit
becuase of me.....
she feels this pain
i want to take a knife and slit my wrist again
because of me....
she fell in love
i made her realize she was special and was above
because of me....
she had a smile
and also because of me
it faded
and she cries
cuase im in denial
becuase of me....
i hate myself
its all because of me..
not anyone else.

talk talk talk

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 13:27:06 GMT

ok.. so lately my mom has been really weard..
so she comes home and just goes to sleep.. she works all day.. homes around 5pm lays in her bed...eventually falls asleep... never comes out.. so i dont see her till 5pm the next day.. for a brief moment.. shes always tired.. not like she worked all day tired...like sick tired...but she wont go to the doctors... she goes out sometimes.. now when she does realize i exist.. shes been weard towards me too.. this weekend.. we are spending the whole time together.. sort of.. with other parts of my fam.. bro and dad and stuff...weard i think.. well anways...shes always on my case.. she lectured..me about 1 hr on the way down here.. or up here..whatever.. and was telling me not to ask her for money.. to play.. only for things i need.. but i didnt even ask her for any money at all.. in fact i have my own and ive been buying my own cloths and such with.. when she says shell buy them for me.. and then we were eating.. and i just was eating the olives.. nothing else. they were good.. what can i say? and she goes.."stop eating melody.. no one else is" and everyone was..and she was talking with her mouth full.. but on the other hand.. ive been really sick lately.. and ive had some pains and such.. my mom thinks she knows what they are..totally embarrassing i tell you.. so i need to goto the doc tomorrow.. before something bad happens.. cause this stuff hurts..so shes been there for me.. but at the same time.. she hasnt.. and when she is.. it can be hard for me to give in to her kindness.. cause i dont know what shes really thinking.
I keep getting sick.. everything.. i have so many illnesses right now.. to embarrasing to post..hahaha.. and i dont know what to do. i hate going to the doctors..probably like a lot of other people.. but grr.. damn humanity.
i miss my gf.. i think shes mad...im jealous of some people..damnit.. i hate getting jealous.

blah

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 13:15:01 GMT

i cant sleep.. well now its 615.. but ive been awake all fuckig night.. im tired as hell....and have a three hour drive home.. and i cant fucking sleep.. im going crazy...... i dont like my dads house.. its weard.. and im sleeping in the living room with 5 fucking people.. well im not sleeping.. but there all there.. theres like 9 people in this house and its a two bedroom.. wtf? didnt anyone think of the sleeping arrangments.. before inviting us down for the weekend?

i miss you

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 04:51:13 GMT

i miss my gf.. i think shes mad.. i feel bad.. i love her so much.. i wish she was happy with me.. stockton is weard.. im with my dad.. for a first.. weard.

all for her

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 15:27:04 GMT

last night.. i got into a pretty bad fight with my gf.. it was one of the worst. i think i have never been hurt so badly...
but still.. the only thing that i can think of..is being with her.. without her.. i just dont feel like me.
i hope she feels the same way.
fuck.. i pray that she does.

its me isnt it ?

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 01:35:34 GMT

Today i was thinking that i tend to confuse things.. and mess up situations.. then i was like.. naw..im cool.
later this day"
My Mom: "melody you always mess up everything.. why dont you just go away"
Me: "damnit"
I mean damn.. i was thinking that i did.. and now i know that i do.. this really sucks. I guess theres not much i can really do about it.
Right now i just feel really numb.. and out of place.. everywhere i go.. like i dont belong or something.. and i may not.
But before i felt like i did.. now..everythings just everything.. and people are just people.. and i .. i am just.. what i am.. and all i want to do right now.. is sleep.

let me bash your head in

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 07:36:17 GMT

damnit.. i need to do something about my temper.. it keeps on getting worse.. and worse..i break everything in sight... anger lashes.. damn thing..
I hate when you do something you regret..and you know you cant take it back.. but at the same time you dont want it back.. it was needed there all along.
confusion always gets the best of us. im sick of people telling me.. whats good for me .. and whats not..
whats right.. and whats wrong.. hey fat fuck
who ever you be
let me make my own decisions.
or die trying.
this time.. im the loser in the game.
and i wasnt even playing...it was for real.

let me barf

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 18:53:14 GMT

i feel so fucking sick.. like my insides are going to burst into my outsides.. shit i dont know..
Yesterday was my b-day.. it was.. um.. alright i guess.. at least i got to spend time with my gf.. i had fun with her and my friend moose..hehehe.. crazy gals...but yeah..
I feel bad cause my grandpa made this huge ass dinner for me.. and i wasnt hungry at all.. i just kind of poked at it.. i ate some.. but yeah.. i love my grandpa.. anyways.. must go to sleep .. feel as if im going to pass out.. plus..

im just a heat ache

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 20:35:32 GMT

i will love my gf till the end of time.. i think she is mad at me. im not sure why.. maybe its cause im an asshole.. i was thinking it may have had to do with the movie i went to last night.. last night was one of my x-best friends bdays.. and she wanted to go to the movies so i decided .."ok" even though i havent been able to go to the movies in like 2 months.. because every time i do i freak out.. and start having another panic/axiety attack. Even though im on my meds.. but last night i went.. i was scared i was going to freak out.. so i did a bit in the begging but i kept saying to myself.. "dont ruin this for liv.. dont ruin this.." i mean the movie sucked.. and liv seemed bored out of her mind.. but i was ok.. so i was thinking... my gal and i should go out to a movie.. but of course she says .. im just going to freak out.. maybe i will.. maybe i wont.. but i could try.. couldn't i? I think the fact that also my friend.. which whom my gf hates to death was there.. and the fact that i could go to a movie with her.. probably made it seem like i cant go to a movie with my gf.. which isnt the case at all..im so stressed out with all my fucking problems.. and i hate it.. cause my gf is so depressed lately.. and i cant do anything about it.. she tells me not to doubt her love.. but then she can tell me.. in not these exact words.. that i dont love her... i mean the nerve.. she thinks that shes not going to hurt me. what am i suppose to answer to that.? i got so mad last night.. i just wanted to fucking get drunk and trip around down town.. but no.. i didnt.. i held in my temper.. thank god... i feel like everything is my fault and that i cant do anything right. and i dont know what to do about it.. because it so drives me crazy.. i feel like im going to explode with anger and hurt.. i dont know how she feels.. she wont talk to me.. its my fault i know.. this.. i know i know.. i could never be good enough...never.. not for any one..and especially never.. ever.. for myself. myself.. ha .. funny.

I LOVE SAVANNAH

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 04:32:49 GMT

omg@!!!! yeah thats right.. 17Th baby!!!!! EIGHT MONTHS!!!! ME ME MEMMEMMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME>.... I love this girl unbelivable so.. even so much that im taken for 8 months tomorrow.. longest relationship baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is so wonderful and beautiful.. she does things that drive me crazy.. things that i would hate to have in a gf.. but boy o boy.. i wouldnt give her up for anyone or anything..
Thats right bitches .... im taken.. so step off.!!

eternal love

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 00:30:14 GMT

woah there... saturday.. yes saturday.. 8 months baby.. woo hoo.. longest relationship.. with the best person ever.. so worth every moment.. every heart ache.. every smile.. every laugh.. every tear.. shes the one that gets all my love and kisses.

Gurgle Gurgle

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 05:11:23 GMT

Im hopeless.
I feel like im drowning and i cant save myself. Thers no way out. Nothing for me to do. I dont think i exist.....for her
not in her world
not in her heart
not in her eyes
never again.
I think i am lost forever. a particle .. just floating around
i have no where to go. No cetain place to be.
I will never be anymore
whats the point?
theres suppose to be a point to everything.. but i feel is that.. i dont know.. i could never know.
tears.. pain.. sadness.. anger..
i feel useless.
worthless
meaningless
nothing at all
thats all i am
to everyone.. is nothing at all.
i dont see the point in being
the point in existence
a phone call
a sad voice
all in denial.
never again
fear
never again
hurt
im a liar
im a frod
im nothing
thats all i am
i could never be anything more
just a figment
that she wants me to be
thats all i am to her
thats all.
i look into the mirror a lot of the time.. and i try to figure myself out.. i stare so hard.. that i get dizzy.
Do i ever see anything? no i see a fat shape.. a meaningless gape of flesh. meaningless.. yes.. and so are these words..
they will just be changed.
people will jsut say .. oh know mel you are great.. your beautiful..your an awesome person.
you know what.. no.. im the lier not you.
do you say you will call on time and dont? do you say that you will be there? and your not. do you break someones heart when you promise yourself that you will try not to? do you? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nothing.. a wonderful word.
i always argue with people.. certain ones.. that nothing is something.. and something is everything. But now that i have found that i am nothing.. someone could use that arguement against me.
but theres a difference.. my modo.. i so have to use. my excuses.. my asumtions.. whatever people call my feelings.. that i so think they are.
I may not be nothing.. but i feel like nothing.. i want to do nothing.. and i want to be nothing.. i want to sit there.. and stare at myself.. and think and think and think.. until i figure out what the fuck im trying to do.. and then ...fix it..
im going to be alone forever.. no one can love me.
not me... just my figment.
i wish i was better for her.
so any of you that try to prove me wrong..
go fuck yourself... where and who are you anyways?

How Would Your Friends Sex You?
LJ Username
Gay, Striaght, Bisexual
Lights On or Off?
Will only sleep with you for money	indysnotemo
If they were drunk enough	mytemporaryhigh
Would rather be mulled to death by kittens	the_truth_22
Thinks of you while they masturbate (every hour or so)	pillow_princess
Will give you the best sex ever	_v_a_n_s_
Will give you chlamydia	piercingxeyes

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